Outrageous Claims made by Halvai!

During this year’s NYICS and Metro Market Week I ran into Kerry Smith of Lapchi. One of the topics of discussion was this blog and why, he asked, I didn’t sell advertising. Now, I could go on about wanting to maintain the aesthetic purity of my blog, and not wanting to have to deal with the opinions of those advertising on my blog (and perhaps playing paid favorites), but in short, I don’t do it because I don’t want this blog to become an obligation. I write a post when I feel inspired to do as such. If I had advertisers, I would be subject to a publication schedule, billing, and god knows what else, and I truthfully feel my writing would not be as good, as it would be, uninspired.
However! I would like to call attention to a beautiful piece of inspired writing, brought to us by Bill Ward and Edward (Ned) Baker of Halvai. Wait? Ned Baker? Yes! Read On.
This is the verbatim press release sent by Halvai:
HALVAI MAKES LATE SEASON EXECUTIVE DEAL
In a stunning late season deal, Halvai Inc. has picked up newly minted free agent, Ned Baker. Star bullshit-artist NED BAKER will bring his mastery of fantasy baseball and bending the very fabric of time and space, as well as carpet trickery, to head up sales and wholesale propaganda efforts at the New York based purveyor.
Bill Ward was quoted as saying, “Ned will fix his gaze upon the rug-deficient masses and extract non-negotiable forms of currency and serve our efforts in plotting carpet world domination… In fact, we fully expect a 7.0 magnitude earthquake as a direct result of this new hire.”
Ned Baker continued, “Wait… what??”
If he doesn’t find you first, Ned Baker can be reached at Ned.Baker@halvai.com or at 212-796-0606.
Following several drinks, Baker was later overheard saying to himself, “First I would like to thank a certain Jewish carpenter who has been a real rock throughout the free agency period, secondly, thanks Joe (The Plumber) (and if you could finish caulking the bathtub that would be great). Finally, I want to thank my parents for spending hundreds of thousands on my private education so I could sell colored sheep hair.”
In the spirit of criticism, and the fact that Ned is a good friend of mine, I offer the following.
Surely Mr. Ward must have been duped. While I myself have been drunk, amongst other things, with Ned on many occasions I have yet to witness any bending of the fabric of time and space itself on his part, and moreover, is it not redundant to say time and space as they are in fact one and the same. Clearly the staff of Halvai are not astrophysicists. As far as his supposed mastery of fantasy baseball, I myself would like to have an independent outside auditor confirm his results, and I would like to see the original documents from this season for verification. Furthermore, as Ned hails from Philadelphia (or some ex urban local thereabouts), we can only assume that even if he was a master of the sun and the moon and the stars, he would, just as the Phillies, screw it up when it comes time to ink the deal. Ouch! Propaganda indeed!
The Ruggist, in all honesty, wishes Edward the very best in his new position at Halvai, and hey since you’ve read this far, why not pick up your phone, give him a call, and order a rug from him. Beanie Babies are now accepted as payment.